My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS