My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

You Might Also Like


*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*


“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams


“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now


Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.


*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.