@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

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@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

@Staggfilms

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

@shatterpants

Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@beisswrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.