So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,
He eats worms.
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girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper