@nuttywhippet

My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,

He eats worms.

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@shutyourhell

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

@jonnysun

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

@13spencer

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

@CatsVsHumanity

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@awkwardphilippe

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

@nutsaremixed

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper