@nuttywhippet

My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,

He eats worms.

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@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@ruinedpicnic

me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone

@KKAlThani

Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.

@iwearaonesie

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

@weinerdog4life

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@ThisOneSayz

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@adamgreattweet

Regardless of who wins, we can all agree Thanksgiving with the family will be uncomfortable

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.