My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,

He eats worms.

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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.


me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone


Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away


Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.


6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one


Regardless of who wins, we can all agree Thanksgiving with the family will be uncomfortable


“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.