*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*