My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
An odd boast
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”