My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Best spot.. 😅
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”