My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
rapatouille
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”