Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?