@TylerLinkin

My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.

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@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

@randomnloveit

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@TheOnlyMommaG

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@BuddyLieras

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?