My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

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Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.


I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.


If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.


Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.


imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.


If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.


Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”


My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword


Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor