@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

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@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@FrankConniff

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@msevilroyslade

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

@ilurngood

imagine if otters became overpopulated and started destroying the world. it would be so cute.

@heykarlin

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

@envydatropic

Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor