My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I only eat vegetarians.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Living the best life.. 😊
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*