My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You Might Also Like
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.