My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
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her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.