@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

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@Leemanish

Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.

@jwoodham

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

@j0eg0d

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

@mayygg

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming

@Home_Halfway

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

@WritePlay

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

@hellohappy_time

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW