My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.

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Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.


The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.


I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.


me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*


Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming


Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.


this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds


Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?