If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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