My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.