nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
first you must answer his riddles
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.