My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

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[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”


Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…


Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.


Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.


*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.


Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.


i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.