My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..