My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Big Sex has us all fooled
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob