@SCbchbum

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

You Might Also Like

@juliussharpe

I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?

@RamblingMachine

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@Jeffwni

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

@avainwordland

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

@LetMeStart

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

@MelKassel

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*