My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Reporter: *ports again*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?