My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.


I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat


MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird


[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this


The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.


Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?