@SCbchbum

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

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@karanbirtinna

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

@AmberDonn

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

@sammyrhodes

Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@Bagyants

MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

@Ygrene

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?