My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
The glockness monster
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.