@Bandersnaaatch

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

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@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@michaelianblack

Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

@T_Bonezzz

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@_ElvishPresley_

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.

@torrami

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.