My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.


Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.


The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.


Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**

Dog: You gonna eat that?


Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.


Rules for being a good neighbor:
2. Don’t forget rule number one.