My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.