@3sunzzz

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

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@thenamesmikeG

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.

@BigJDubz

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@fro_vo

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

@JaimeBanister

At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44

@seanyeatts

Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.

@CherBear162

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.