My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”