@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

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@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

@OohSnapItsChris

Party Questions by age

1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?

@PaperWash

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

@IvyelleWright

Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”

@Kennycruzin

When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”

@david8hughes

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.