@One_FineMess
@MunkMania
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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@MunkMania
@jackies_backie
I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???
@fart
@DaddyJew
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]
Me: discrimination
@suecorvette
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
@Kim_pulsive
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
@TheRohiniReddy
Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
@EddieHarris216
Announcer:
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.
@TheCatWhisprer
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
@BlindChow
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.