My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

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3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]

Me: discrimination


me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please


Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.


Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation


The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.


[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do


Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.