@One_FineMess
@annoyingyang_
Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.
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@annoyingyang_
@better_off_dad2
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
@iwearaonesie
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
@offbeatoliv
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
@TheChrisAngel
By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.
On Friday…Canada attacks.
@Eightinchgoat
Fun trick:
Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
@MMFlint
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
@PhuckinCody
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
@DaddyJew
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense