@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

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@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@jackies_backie

I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]

Me: discrimination

@suecorvette

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

@Kim_pulsive

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

@EddieHarris216

Announcer:
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.

@TheCatWhisprer

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

@BlindChow

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.