My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

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In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies


Party Questions by age

1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?


“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”


Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”


When one squirrel says “I like to eat nuts”, there is probably always another squirrel who says “that’s what she said.”


“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”


I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.


If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.