HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Tough love is true love
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.