I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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