My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Bread puns are on the rise!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.