@_CherriAnn_

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

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@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard

@A_New_Chapter_

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@SentenceReduced

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@thepunningman

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

@meladoodle

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

@UnfilteredMama

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

@PaulKaloper

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.