My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

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Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard


I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…


*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*


Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.


[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?


[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”



Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…


What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.


A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.


ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.