My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.