@man_spach

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

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@DRUNKdadding

I’m pretty sure our nanny’s grandmother has died like seven times now……

@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@KoKeniSasquatch

Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?

@hazelmotes1

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@chestrovert

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.