My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

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I’m pretty sure our nanny’s grandmother has died like seven times now……


Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no


Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?


When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.


just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go


If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.


If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.


If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.