My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Camping tip: No.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”