My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone