boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back