My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy


According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.


My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?


Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”


First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*


I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.


I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.


It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down