My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”