@JohnLyonTweets

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

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@TheCareBare

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@SommerofMandi

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

@English_Channel

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down