Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.