My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”