My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.


I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.


Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.


Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.


[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.


It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.


[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey


Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.


Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.