My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.