My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

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When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.


[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say


ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books


Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.


I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.