My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water