@Rollinintheseat

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

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@roggyie

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@TheAlexNevil

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

@farouq_yahaya

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

@donni

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.