When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You Might Also Like
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.