“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it