I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE