Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Here’s a meme
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Cats (2019)
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too