@sixfootcandy

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

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@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@Paulmay018

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@nbadag

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

@Social_Mime

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

@shadenfreude5

[Day 1 of school at home]

8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy

8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling

@DaddyJew

[first date]

Date: I’m really big into astrology, I’m a Scorpio

Me: *trying to impress* I’m a tarantula

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.