(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
You Might Also Like
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
monday
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”