If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
🤣😈🤣
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.