@Dawn_M_

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

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@fro_vo

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@AbbieEvansXO

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

@bacon_gillepic

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

@SondraDeeMe

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.