what if we pronounced “envelope” like “penelope”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.