My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
This is Sparta
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.