My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.