My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.