@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

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@RandiLawson

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@thatUPSdude

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@AbbieEvansXO

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

@RdrJay47

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well