My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock