@RandiLawson
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
@LoveNLunchmeat
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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@RandiLawson
@ObscureGent
Willy Wonka is a Batman villain with good lawyers.
@snatch_stache
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
@thatUPSdude
You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.
@LazyChank
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
@AbbieEvansXO
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
@RdrJay47
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
@Home_Halfway
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
@Elizabeth___93
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong