My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.


Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.


You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.


Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call


The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.


WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well