My wedding will be open casket.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
remember
only for emergencies
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Strange
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.