They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded