My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers