My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated