My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.