@Smiilze

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

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@Six_Pack_Mom

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

@DurtMcHurtt

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

@MaraWritesStuff

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@3sunzzz

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: [trying to be smooth] Did it hurt?

Her: Excuse me?

Me: When you fell from heaven?

Her: Dude, I’m just here to get my kids from school, like all these other parents.

Me: I may have misunderstood the term “pickup line.”

@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@justabloodygame

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.