My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”



Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.


Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too


I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…


Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…


Me: [trying to be smooth] Did it hurt?

Her: Excuse me?

Me: When you fell from heaven?

Her: Dude, I’m just here to get my kids from school, like all these other parents.

Me: I may have misunderstood the term “pickup line.”


I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.


GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.


I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna


No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.