My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.