My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: