My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”


Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.


I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey


ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.


There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.


[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?