@OhNoSheTwitnt

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

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@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

@TheAlexP

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

@Kissee_Cheeks

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁

@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@OhNoSheTwitnt

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

@MommaUnfiltered

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?