My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”


Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”


I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.


Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”


[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I


If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific


Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good


Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.


If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.


“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro