My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
R.I.P.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no